Half year appraisal for my liver

Some things we just take for granted don’t we? I am always amazed by the huge stresses our bodies have to go through to keep us alive, all working together in one fluid efficient system helping us to eat, drink, run, laugh, think and love. Although only in the early stages of my adult life I feel I’ve never really thanked many body parts such as my liver for example, for all it’s done for me, keeping me alive through all those long nights of high class metropolitan cocktails with business associates across town...oops did I say cocktails? I’m sure I meant to say piss warm special VAT. This week’s a bit hectic in the office so I decided I would write a business letter to my liver giving him a hearty thank you for all his services...

“Dear Andy’s Liver, we are writing to you to formally thank you for working overtime this week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. How you managed to absorb that last jager bomb with such ease on Wednesday night followed by disposing of a pubic hair laden Donor Kebab from the local deli is a mystery. But unfortunately we require you to work one more shift tonight as Andrew has been called into action again by his pesky housemates. He will require your services more than ever in his fragile state as the Plymouth university students union will no doubt get the better of him again. As a reward you will receive a few days off to rejuvenate and refresh most likely consuming copious amounts of greasy takeaway and oven food due to Andy’s inability to cook in his current state. I hope you will be ready to work all over again for a messy night on Wednesday keeping up your good work.”

However it seems my workforce is demoralised at this moment as this was my livers response...

“Dear Andy,
Despite the exemplary work record I have acquired this week, before you ask to work anymore over time I request that your esteemed colleague, Andy's Brain, returns from his rather lengthy vacation. We have had reports that Andy's Right Hand is currently snowed under with work, and that your company's advertising department- Andy's Face- is in dire need of a kick up Andy's arse. While we’re on the topic, I have not seen the cleaner turn up and clean Andy’s arse in over two weeks.
Yours sincerely
Mr Liver”

Needless to say, I took disciplinary action and fired my Liver. Good riddance to him, I hear with the current recession he has to make do with a new job in Kerry Katonas body.

Cheers then! x

Back so soon?

I know it's only Tuesday but since I'm new to this whole cut throat business known as blogging, I thought I would treat myself to another cheeky post. Here's a few little pockets of observation and humour I have noticed quite recently, so here it goes...

Firstly, does anyone between the ages of roughly 16-23 notice the quite humorous colloquial use for the quite dreadful word "rape". Instead of just being a seldom used word to describe a horrific crime, many young people (usually of the student variety) use it casually in everyday life for comical effect usually to describe something being taken or destroyed. Go to the fridge and find the last drop of milk has been guzzled down by your hapless house mate? Well my friend your milk just got raped! On Fifa and Carlos Tevez just ran through your defence with a series of dazzling twists and turns finished off by a 30 yard screamer? "Yes mate you just got absolutely raped!" Come back from a lecture only to find your facebook taken over with crude statuses about bestiality, felatio, meatspinner or a combination of all three...well my friend you've just been facebook raped (now commonly abbreviated to "frape"). This strange use of the word has now spread onto the BBC and beyond as football pundit Alan Pardew quite humorously used the word to describe Michael Essiens dominance over poor Manchester City midfielder Ched Evans on a recent episode of match of the day 2-check it out on youtube. That is all I have to say on this actually, I myself am guilty for using this term quite too often, but not as much as my brummy mate at university-Matt. His accent combined with the use of a word with such a horrific connotation used in such a casual manner makes me uneasy at times (because you can never trust a brummy unless they're a villa fan of course!)

Speaking of crude and biblically disgusting...I recently stumbled onto another website that seems to have taken the world by storm-chatroulette. A webcam based chatroom where the whole premise is users getting randomly paired with different people around the globe in a webcam to webcam style communication. I did have a sneaky look one day and seemed to see nothing but derranged loonatics drinking paint, 20 year old men pleasuring themselves and drunken lairy riffraff teens causing havoc over cyberspace (A cyber ASBO is in order maybe?). People on these websites need to get a life. Although I admit it may seem a good idea as a drunken fumble, (because shouting insults down a computer at a Mexican postman makes me cool) I really have no time for people who spend their time on these websites discussing the new world order with a deep south Texan mentalist alone in a bed-sit caressing his pubic hair.

Last but not least-it's the league cup final on Sunday! As an avid supporter of the claret and blue army, I am excited at the prospect of seeing the Villa lift their first trophy ever in my lifetime. People can say what they want about the league cup but it's usually the teams that get trounced in the third round by teams like Accrington Stanley (who are they?) that cover up their disappointment with non-descript remarks such as "it's a shit cup anyway." Whatever happens on Sunday, Manchester United fans (well, the 95% who don't live in Manchester) have an answer to either outcome. They win it and they go mental claiming another trophy hard-fought and a deserved victory by their club that they love so dearly they have only ever been to see them once on a stadium tour. They lose and out come the age old excuses..."We played our reserves" "Shit cup anyway!" "we're going to win the league/champions league so it doesn't matter!" If you have the ignorance to support a club of whom you have no connection and involvement with, live 200 miles away from at least have the decency to respect the supporters other not so established clubs to which this cup is a big deal to-such as me! Although not been documented as of yet in my blog, I do have my bones to pick with glory supporters and respect the fans that support their lowly struggling local league two club with undying passion that much more.

To recap then-it's now cool to find rape funny, chatroulette is a breeding ground for mentalists and anti-social pervs, and Aston Villa are going to Wembley! I shall be in my Students Union (I would have done anything to be there at Wembley) sporting my Villa shirt proudly getting absoloutely gazeeboed whatever the outcome. But if we don't win, (which in all truth I don't think we will) I will not be a happy blogger!

Cheers then! x

Well, well, well after 19 and a half years of literary anomity I thought I would try my hand at the world of blogging. Having coming onto the scene relatively late and this being my first official blog, I thought it would be better for me to give you a better idea of the sort of person I am. Here are some interesting facts or little capsules of information about me...

I believe global warming doesn't exist
I have utmost respect for our British armed forces
My three weaknesses are, dancing, swimming and drawing
Despite driving for over two years I still can't parallel park
I love crisps
Not a huge fan of chocolate though
I've Started to develop a dependence of coffee-especially whilst at uni
I love playing football and will support AVFC till I die
I can sing and play the guitar although I sadly don't do it as much any more
The French accent on girls really does it for me
I'm a conservative party supporter
Loving life at university and could frankly do it for the rest of my life
I have the strangest dreams
I'm from the Midlands but people still say I sound northern
I only drink to get drunk, social drinking makes me sleepy
Famous celebrities met include, Dwight Yorke and Jeremy Kyle (ok not that amazing really)
I like surrealist comedy
Despite not really reading much, one book I really enjoyed strangely was Macbeth
My favourite car is either the Lamborghini Gallardo or Ferrari Daytona

there we go! I shall try and update this blog once a week (most likely a Monday night) with a wide range of topics. However you will probably expect me to mention a lot of football (my first love), my life at university, ladies of the female variety that I find attractive and other mainly manly things such as darts, cars, poker, guitar etc etc.

Happy reading vimto kids!